More than just breathing...
When I think back on my life, sometimes I think about where I might be if I had someone who loved and supported me by my side. Perhaps if I had someone who I loved telling me that I could, that I did deserve better, that I should strive for what feels right, perhaps I would be in a different place. Perhaps. But I try to remember what everyone says, and what I believe to be true...that everything happens for a reason. I believe that the hard things we go through help us grow and become stronger. Its almost as if we put these hurdles in front of ourselves as a test, to see if we can pass and learn the true life lesson.
My life has been tough it feels, my parents divorced when I was a baby, because my mother believed my father was molesting me. My childhood was one crazy emotional journey of fighting, understanding and trying to figure out who I was in a world that was so grown up. I was lost, for a long time. When I fouind PinUp & Modeling, my world opened up. I found something that made me happy and that I was good at. I didn't feel so lost anymore.
This blog is written to the people who know me, to the ones who have been there for me during my career as a Model and have been supportive to me via Social Media. This is not supposed to be about me, or my personal struggle, but rather what I have gone through in my life, how I decided to stay strong, and where I am now as I write this. I do plan to touch on a few things that have happened to me, in my personal and professional life; but this is not meant to hurt or blame anyone. It is my intent to let you know why I have been hurt and how that happened, as many of my fans have asked. So I will touch on the how and why, but the overall point of this is to demonstrate that no matter what, I found myself despite all the negative.
As most of you who are supporters of my work know, I have been a Plus Size Model for the last 6 years. I began in a time when being Plus Size was not a "hot trend" as it is now, when I began one of the first things a photographer told me was that I would have to loose weight to be taken seriously. At the time, I had just began a new relationship, one that would last 5 years.
The guy I was with, lets ust call him "K" heard this statement, and from then on (my first photo shoot) he was telling me I had to be thinner. He would tell me that I was pretty, but my body needed work. This was from day one. But despite that, I went on to create a fan page and make the name "Bianca Bombshell" and began my journey to becoming a Plus Size Model.
Online was tough, I was bullied everyday by people who did not know me, telling me to loose weight. That I was "too big" I would log in and read comments saying I was fake, that I was stupid...you name it, I have had the pleasure of reading. All the while, I was living a life with a man I was falling in love with...trying my very best to ignore the bullies and be strong. But I would be bullied in my day to day life too, K would tell me that my dream to be a model was a waste of time, that I had no chance, that the competition was just too much. When I told him my dreams of moving to LA or New York, he would just get upset with me and ask why he was not enough, why did I want to improve myself? Why could i not just be the perfect woman that he wanted me to be? Go to the gym, work a t a 9-5 job and listen to all his stories about things I had no care for. All I wanted was to be happy, as a little girl I remember wanting that one thing: happiness.
So I faked it, I would go to shoots and play dress up, smile and have fun.. Because I loved what I was doing, I loved it enough to forget for a few hours that the man I loved didn't really love me, but rather a version of myself that he wanted me to be. I remember one time we were on location shooting and back then he would come along to the shoots, miserable as he was. I was shooting with a truck and K overheard the owner say that I would look better if I lost 10 pounds. After having a great time, and enjoying myself at the shoot, K felt he needed to tell me that on the way home in the car. I guess he thought that because this guy thought that too, that his trying to get me to change, was coming from the right place. "See,.. this other guy also thinks you should change...so really you should"
Every-time I would have a shoot, there was a fight. Every time. Everyday I would get up and get ready, and he would always come attack me about something. I would have to get upset, calm myself down and try to remember who I was and why I love life.
K would tell me that I was a 'Facebook slut', that I only cared about what my fans said, that I was so self absorbed that I had no time for him. In reality, I was just a girl trying to find herself and build something substantial that I actually enjoy. He would put me down, tell me I was worth nothing that I deserved nothing, and that I would never find someone as good as him. I have been called every name you can think of by K, my not-so favorite being 'crazy psycho'. While dealing with this verbal abuse at home, I was online dealing with online bullies. Reading comments from strangers telling me I was too...something.
Rather than crawling up into a ball and crying for the rest of my life, although I have been there and done that, I decided to not listen to him or anyone. To KNOW my truth. To live my truth. And my truth is happiness. I was happy doing what I was doing, I was building a support online and meeting people, learning and growing. Having that outlet was what helped me to find my inner strength, and share it with my supporters. I was strong for you, because I needed to be, I needed to be strong so I could survive this. Survive being with a man who I loved for 5 years, who never really loved me.
It was hard to live 5 years with someone who wants to change you, but it was even harder trying to find myself despite that. To love myself, even though he didn't. And I am not mad at him, its not about him. He tried to love me, but he didn't. He wanted someone else completely. He even said to me once, "why can't you just be a different person?"....so its not about being mad at him. I am at peace with the fact that all the hurtful things he said, came from a place of fear. He was afraid because deep down he never loved me. I was also no angel, I was never quiet. I fought back. But it hurt, every word, every fight...took a part of me.
I can thank my fans for being kind and supportive to me over the years, you truly changed my life and helped me find myself, thank you. Everyday is still a struggle to forget the things he told me and be strong, but deep down I know that I will find happiness, that I do deserve it and I will have it. No one can tell me otherwise.
During my career as a Model I have been bulled, many many times. It was hard to be bullied online by strangers & by the man I loved but then to also face it in the industry from so called "friends" really can bring you down. There are times in life when things are so hard, and you find yourself feeling like everything is out to get you, but I assure you...its not. I think we all just have to go though these things in order to grow, change and appreciate what we have. This was something I tried very hard to remember during my time working on a Canadian Indie Film about Plus Models. I was the second model asked to be a lead in the film, and after shooting with them once and filming an interview I went on to land the Cover of CURVY Magazine (never went to print) with the title "Starring Bianca Bombshell" .
I was in Vancouver BC, being interviewed for a second time as they "lost" my first interview, on the day the Cover was released to Social Media. During my interview the other model who the film was focused on called the producers and proceeded to YELL and SCREAM regarding the title Cover. The producer turned the volume down on the phone, but I could hear everything,
The other model was livid, she wanted me kicked off the film, as it was supposed to be about her. I was kicked to the curb, tossed aside at the request of this one person; because of her jealousy. They told me they wanted to go with a bigger name, a 'well known' Model and one who had 'more goals in the industry'. I was upset with this, because I was modeling much longer than the girl who had me removed from the film, I had many goals in the industry, I was just humble about it. I don't like to brag or tell people my plans before it happens. That being said...I did go on to become the Coquette Diva, the leading reatiler of wholesale Lingerie in Canada...so I would say I am a rather sucesful model; being that I am also a full time mother.
when they kicked me off the film at her request, I wanted so very much to 'out' this Model....to tell everyone just how crazy she was, that she was using everyone to "get famous" but I was quiet. I let the bullies bully me and I lost out on potential jobs and income. I wanted so much to just yell it from the treetops, ....but I was quiet. I kept it to myself with the hope that people would findout eventually. I never wanted my face to be associated with anything negative, so I forgot about her, and moved on.
I am choosing to share my story now, 3 years after the fact because I am done with having all my supporters think I am perfect. I am far from that. I have gone through hard times, and I am there for all of you, men & women. That is why I write back, that is why I care, because its not all about me. I understand that we are a collective. We are one. I want to help others, I really do. So when I was hurt by this girl and by K, I wanted to hurt them too....but I tried to be strong and remember that we are all connected, that these people do things out of love. Not love for me, but love for themselves.
So its not about "them" . Your life is YOUR LIFE. Who you are and where you go is not up to anyone other than you. We are the creators of our life, of our destiny. And our thoughts create our well being. So I really tried to keep a clean mind, to remember that who I am and who I can become is up to me, and no one else. No one can break me down, no matter who they are; loved one or not.
It is my life, and this is my chance to live. I would never let K tell me otherwise. Even when he would ask me "why cant you just be another person?", I would try and remember that he just did not love me, the real me. The person that I AM, is good enough.
As human beings we have a choice, we can stand up and make up our own mind as to who we want to be, or we can let other people bring us down. The choice is yours. I believe that if one person is strong, it can give hope to millions and in time...the paradigm will change.
Don't let anyone bring you down, live your truth no matter what it may be, and do it with love. Love for others and love for yourself.
Love is the purpose of being.
-Bianca Bombshell
This is Emily, my good friend and PinUp Model from Oklahoma, known around the World as The Vintage Doll.. We have been freinds online for 5 years now, and she is going though a mirror struggle of my life; and yet we are complete opposites. She is also bulled online about her body image, and in her personal life went through living with a man who wanted to change her...all the while, being a amazing mother and role model for women all over the world. At the same time, in different parts of the world and with different body types, Emily and I both became stronger, despite these verbally abusive partners in our lives. We both built a fan page & Social Media Network, we both had support from our fans, and we are both stronger women and mothers now, because it it. This is her story:
We all base relationships off of the fairy tales we grow up on. The knight in shining armor we see rescue the princess, as we get older we feed off of romantic comedies and novels, and think to ourselves "that's the man of my dreams". You never expect to be in an abusive relationship. You read about them and know they exist but you never think it's something you will be involved in. Then it's too late... You are all of a sudden wrapped up in this whirlwind of so much heartbreak, pain, negativity... Abuse. You are abused.
I remember when I met my ex at 16 years old. He was my first boyfriend. One year quickly turned into many. I was in love. I was a baby. I had no clue about anything. I still remember when he showed his true colors to me. I tried to leave at that point. Barely two years in and I questioned us being together. He sweet talked me into staying. After that it's all just a blur of tears, pain, control, embarrassment, loneliness and completely losing who I was as a person. I can't begin to tell you how many people told me I needed to run. Girlfriends, family members, coworkers that met him. Naturally I ignored it. "They don't know him like I do." Really they just saw the truth outside of the "in love" box I was stuck in. I did any and everything for him. I didn't move, think, or make any decisions with out his input and ultimately his choice on the matter. He chose if I got a job and where, he took every paycheck I made to use how he saw fit and spoil himself on what he deemed important. I had to ask for money to get things for myself just to be told I was greedy and irresponsible and I didn't need it. As the years went by the emptier I became and the more control he gained.
Before long I was pregnant. I thought maybe that would fix things. Boy was I wrong. He was never around. My first son was my only company. The thing with abusive people is they isolate you. He made sure to keep me away from most people. I never had a car, I was never allowed out with friends, I had nothing. Thankfully after having my first son my life finally had purpose. I had something to enjoy and love. Within less than a year I caught him cheating on me with someone very important to me. All while I was suffering through a miscarriage alone. We separated for six months. He again sweet talked me. Said he loved me and had been a horrible husband and I deserved better. I took him back. I didn't want my son growing up in a broken home and thought I could fix it. I stayed for almost three more years after that. It was a nightmare that just continued to get worse. The verbal, mental, and emotional abuse was like a handicap. It suffocated me daily and all I knew to do was to keep making excuses for him and why I should stay and how others didn't understand. I also would sit in all of the hours he left me and our son alone thinking to myself why did I ever go back? But also thinking that I couldn't survive with out him. With out him what would I be? Nothing? He made me everything I was because my entire life was his from 16 years old. He put me through so much. He controlled every aspect of my life. I didn't move with out him saying so. Why? Because if I did the fight would be far worse. I just wanted to have a happy family. I loved my family and wanted it to work so badly. I poured every ounce of myself into it. He just kept taking.... Never giving anything back. I can still remember how embarrassed I always was whenever he decided to be involved in family activities with us. How he would talk down to me, insult me, demean me in every way possible to show he controlled me and I better just go along with it.
Everyone saw, everyone felt bad for me. I was that girl, and because of that I eventually lost all of my friends because they either couldn't stand watching me be abused or because he made them uncomfortable hitting on them through text. No one could save me but me and I chose to ignore it because I thought I could change him. I was scared to leave. What would happen to me. I was no one and nothing. I had never experienced anything or controlled my own life in any way. I would certainly fail right? With out him guiding my life how could I ever make anything of myself. I had just had my second son when I finally couldn't take it anymore. We were about to be evicted from our home two weeks from Christmas and our electricity was about to be turned off in a Snow storm. Why? Because he decided something else he wanted was more important than bills. I had two babies, two weeks from Christmas, about to freeze and be homeless.
I was angry and tried to stand up to his behavior. I will never forget why he said to me "If you don't like it, pack your shit and get out!" I realized that was always going to be my life. If I didn't take a stand for myself it was never going to change because he was never going to care about me more than himself. So I packed up my babies and left. I never looked back. The next few months were very difficult. Coming to the realization of what I truly was living for almost ten years of my life. Verbal abuse, mental abuse, emotional abuse, controlling, manipulation, being used, being unappreciated, being demeaned, cut down, torn apart just for being myself... I didn't even know who I was. I was terrified. I had never been allowed to do anything and I didn't know if I could. I laid in bed thinking "What did I do!! I just packed and left! How do I fix this! How do I go back! I can't do this with out him! I need him! I don't know how to do anything! I am not smart enough! I can't survive! What about my children!"
Then it hit me. You weren't living. You were just breathing. You weren't alive. You were a shell living for someone else. Someone who did nothing for you. Use you. Try to share you with others. Who made you feel worthless and stupid. Who cut you down and tore you apart whenever you didn't agree with how you were treated. Someone who didn't appreciate his own children. Someone who was never faithful and didn't care anything about how you felt. Someone who erased you and who you are entirely to create a robot to do with and what he pleased... That is not living. That is abuse. It has been almost two years since I walked away. Everyday has been hell, but a different type. I now fight souly to keep my children safe from the behavior of someone who will never change. The projection is crippling and I just want to cry sometimes. When you dedicated your life to someone and now they talk to you like a dog, like you were never together, like you are nothing. Insult you as a mother and woman. Accuse you of things you would never do to try and make up for their own behavior...
Sure it's hard but now I fight back. I stand up for myself. What I've realized is that I never needed him. He needed me. He stole my innocence and fed off my strength because his life was worthless. He can never be what I am and how strong I am so he needed to take control of my life. He didn't count on me taking it back. I never thought I would be were I am today. I thought my life was destined to be with him forever. Dead inside and full of heartache and pain. I gave up on what I thought love was. Clearly in my life it wasn't meant to be enjoyed that way. I was so wrong. I become stronger every day. I do things I never thought I could with out being made to feel bad or being called names for embracing what I love and being who I was meant to be. I am strong!! I am brave! I am meant for big things and my life is important too. I can do anything I want and I never needed him. You will survive. You just have to be brave and be ready to fight while you cry. You can't ever stop fighting. Not for you, not for your kids, you just keep fighting because you have worth. When you discover that worth no one will be able to stop you and you will never again fall into that pit you dug yourself out of.
I remember when my ex "loved" me.... I thank God every day that I survived his love. I thank him every day for not having to endure it ever again"
- Emily aka The Vintage Doll
